just some reflection...

I came across something today that reminded me of Susan. Susan was my mom's cousin. She gave me my first hair cut - she was a renowned hair stylist with a fine shop in PA. I remember being there several years ago... she served wine while you got your hair or nails done. She was bubbly and full of life. Short, with long bouncy curls. She loved to laugh and her laugh was contagious.

Two years ago next month, Sue took her own life. She was going through a divorce and couldn't stand to watch the struggle that her two girls were going through - bouncing back and forth between her and her husband. Her husband was an @$$! She hung herself, at the age of 43.

I'll never forget her funeral. It was the saddest funeral I'd ever been too. And I've been to my fair share of funerals. I remember looking around - and seeing her two little girls, and her mom, and my great-aunt. Her two little girls were now destined to a life lived with their dad, without a mom. No one to braid their hair, or to teach them how to do their makeup. No one to help them get ready for prom. Her mom, was devastated. She now knew how it felt to lose a child. My great-aunt was in her 80s. She'd lost brothers and her husband and many others in her 80-some years. And yet she sobbed like I'd never seen.

And as I looked around, I thought about how unfair this was to everyone. How selfish this was. I cannot imagine how someone so loved could feel so horribly that they can do that. Didn't she think of the life she was leaving for her girls? How it would affect them?

This week, my little brother had a friend hang himself. 22 years old.
At Christmas, we had a guy at work shoot himself. 23 years old.
2 years ago, I had a former classmate throw himself out of a moving car & kill himself. 20 years old.

How do people get so low that they feel this is all that is left for them? Susan was a remarkable, successful, beautiful woman.... how did this happen?

And then it makes think about how to prevent things like this. How do you? How can I make sure that 30 years from now, my children don't feel the need to do this. I can't. And that scares the hell out of me.

I guess before Susan's death, I thought suicide was for people who were bums. Nothing worth living for. But since then, I've realized that's not true at all. And that's the scariest part of all.